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Gottalaff
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Author:  Keith.W [ 07 May 2017, 19:44 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
This made me chuckle



SKILLSAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, Oh s##t. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a cheap part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling Son of a bitch at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Author:  stymie [ 07 May 2017, 20:03 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
:07hysterical:
Author:  Jim [ 31 May 2017, 21:57 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
These three strings are walking along, dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley. After a long, long trek. They come to a bar.

"Boy, this is just in time...I can't go any farther." So he walks into the bar and orders a drink.

"Can't you read the sign there? We don't serve no strings here" bellows the bartender.

"But I'm going to die of thirst" protests the string.

With that the bartender picks him up, and throws him out into the street.

One of his buddies says "I'll disguise myself as a rope and go in to get us a drink." So, in he goes.

"Hey, I thought I told your friend that we don't serve your kind here. Now get out that door before I stomp on you!" So he quickly retreats out the door.

Finally the last string says "Hey, I've got an idea...I'll tie myself up like a pretzel, and frizzle out my ends, so he won't recognize me." So in he goes into the bar. He gets up to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender eyes him a little suspiciously. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I told to get out of here?"

To which the string answered "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Author:  Deano [ 01 Jun 2017, 09:19 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
Sell a man a fish, he'll eat for a day
Teach a man to fish, and you've just thrown away your business
Author:  stymie [ 01 Jul 2017, 12:19 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
Rock-n-roll

Image :061haha:

six to four he does

Image
Author:  stymie [ 03 Jul 2017, 17:18 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
Its quite surprising to see what will pop out when you dunk a bonsai pot.
"What are these insects doing in the bath," Mary demanded.
I explained to the best of my ability, "Quite a few are doing the breast-stroke love and the rest are still only managing the crawl." Owch!
Author:  ArranIOW [ 04 Jul 2017, 08:17 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
::lol:
Author:  keithmart [ 21 Jul 2017, 08:44 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
You know, I once knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. I never asked him the name of his other leg.
Author:  stymie [ 02 Aug 2017, 09:20 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
Optimism is taking a tree to a show for the first time.

Confidence is taking along a padded box to carry the 'cup' home in.
Author:  Peddlar [ 22 Aug 2017, 12:20 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff
Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
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