Wee Trees Bonsai Help Forum Advice for all

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Author:  Peddlar [ 22 Aug 2017, 17:00 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast "The Flintstones". A spokesman for the channel said, 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.

Author:  Peddlar [ 22 Aug 2017, 17:07 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

I haven't spoken to my wife for 3 weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied lubricant.
A bus stops at a bus station, a train stops at a train station, my desk at work is called a work station.

Author:  MattS [ 23 Aug 2017, 16:42 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

Northerner says 'Hello'

Author:  Peddlar [ 16 Sep 2017, 13:06 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

These people are amongst us.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back. 'She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change! Do not confuse the staff at MacDonald’s.

#2 We had to have the garage door repaired.. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, Nr Watford

#3 I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign on our road. She said the reason was: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' ,

#4daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From South Oxhey. Herts. ,

UK... IDIOT SIGHTING #5 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge”? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened Luton Airport ...

UK IDIOT SIGHTING #6 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.. Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a Local County Councillor employee in Harrow, Middlesex,

UK IDIOT SIGHTING #7 When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.' This was at Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING #8 A coach party were out for the day, stopped off at a refreshment halt in Hertfordshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for "Six decaffeinated please”, to which the girl replied: “Sorry, we only do coffee!” Story from Luton Probus.

Author:  MattS [ 26 Nov 2017, 19:04 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

Can't believe it's November and I'm feeling Christmassy ;-)


Author:  stymie [ 30 Nov 2017, 22:05 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

Bon Si Fi - Isn't it all kidology? We endeavour to make them appear older than they are and change their shape anyway.

Author:  stymie [ 13 May 2018, 11:50 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

Sum of me limericks for the new peeps.

There's a lass who grows bonsai in Lincoln
who had a blue Spruce and a pink 'un
being new to the game
she made them the same
by putting the pink 'un some Quink on

A West country member of Weetrees
bought a stick in a pot from our CTs
to bulk up the b****r
he fed it on sugar
and now it's gone down with diabetes

Author:  Gary Jones [ 14 May 2018, 00:26 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

There once was fella called Don
who liked a good laugh - and it shone
a pun or a quiz
leaves us all in a tiz
may it continue and never be gone.

Author:  stymie [ 12 Jun 2018, 16:54 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

Partially sighted grower.

A girl weetrees member on Sark
identifies trees by their bark
she waters at night
while using flash-light
'cos its awkward to see in the dark.

Author:  Peddlar [ 08 Jul 2018, 19:38 ]
Post subject:  Re: Gottalaff

Are there any IT experts that can give me some advice please?

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware beta-program, Slapper 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2013.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop 2016 and Whingezip 3.1! These latter products have no helpfiles and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processing that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2017, but there could be problems: a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2017 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Please can you help me.

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