I had a free afternoon today so thought I would give you all something to gossip about.
Following a call from a resident Mr Alder Curtaintwitcher, police arrested and charged a man they alleged had dug up a small damaged tree stump on waste ground that has been used by fly tippers for over a decade.
The man’s defence claim he was ‘rescuing the tree as he cares very much for the environment and has a personal love of such fauna and flora’
The prosecution dismiss the claim and argue that the man – Mr Ashley Acorn - was in fact practicing the ancient Japanese dark art of Bonsai. They alleged that the accused was intending to abduct, bind and torture the stump whilst speaking in tongues using ancient incantations with the intent of forcing the tree stump and its few remaining limbs to bend to his will thereby causing the stump to do things unnatural and otherworldly and then cut up, tape up in a bin liner and bury said stump...
A witness for the prosecution community support officer Mr Highviz Clipboard who attended the scene of the ‘crime’ and describes his job as “ making people’s lives a total unnecessary misery” stated in his account that when he approached the accused and asked what he was doing the reply he got was “of a strange language he had never heard before” adding, ‘ if I had not recorded everything on my helmet cam those strange and mysterious words would have escaped me forever’.
The defence for the accused asked in cross examination;
What brought the accused to your attention?
‘It was a call from an anonymous concerned member of the public’.
That would be Mr Alder Curtaintwitcher?
‘yes’
“ And what were those mysterious words”?
‘very strange and they had the sound of something eastern and mystic to me’ and reading from his notes went on to tell the court, that ‘the accused, in a very excited state shouted “yama dori acer campestre” in the most threatening tones whilst waving what I can only describe as some kind of wedge shaped shovel weapon, I had to call for police back up’.
Can you tell the court what happened next, Mr Clipboard?
‘I can indeed. The police arrived within minutes of my distress call. The riot van with 12 officers and 16 police cars with two officers in each- these boys - , they don’t waste time messing around with petty crimes these days I can tell you’.
And then?
‘The police on seeing the excited and agitated state of accused and his weapon then called in the A.R.U. for backup’
For the benefit of the court could you break that down into words?
‘It is the Armed Response Unite’.
I see, please continue.
‘The Armed Response Unite from the safety of their vehicles asked everyone to move back and ordered the cordoning off of the main roads north and south of the waste land and, and the land itself and to evacuate all homes, shops and other work places within a radius of two miles of the crime scene for the public’s safety’.
And why do you suppose they had taken such drastic safety measures Mr Clipboard?
‘Well you see, the accused also had with him a large holdall type of bag that looked very bulky’. The A.R.U. shouted to the accused asking “ what was in the bag”?
And the accused reply was what exactly?
Referring to his notes:
‘Ulmus procera salisb, and told them of all the other suspicious weapons - in that threatening mystical eastern sounding tongue’.
The case continues tomorrow when the accused will take the stand.
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Things didn't seem to be going to good for Mr. Ashley Acorn as he gave testimony today. Indeed, at times he seemed to be proving the case the prosecution.
Mr Acorn, could you tell the court a bit about yourself and your version of the events please?
‘Yes. Since I was forced to take an early retirement and had lost my wife, I was in despair; lonely and felt life simply wasn't worth living. That was until I came across the fascinating subject of an old Japanese art called Bonsai.
“Bonsai? For the benefit of the court could you explain in simple terms what that is?”
‘It is an art form of growing trees in miniature’. It has given me something to live for and a purpose in my otherwise empty, lonely life- what is left of it.
Please continue.
It was a Friday about 2 pm in the afternoon that I decided to go over to the fly tipping field near my home to collect – that is; dig up - a small damaged tree that I had noticed some weeks earlier. It was then I was approached by a man wearing a very bright fluorescent jacket that was waving his arms and shouting’.
How do you remember it was Friday afternoon?
‘Because the morning of that day stands out very much in our community. You see there had been a spate of burglaries in the early hours of that particular Friday morning; I was one of those burgled while I slept. I called the police but they said they couldn't send anyone around until next week at the earliest. Twelve months on and still no contact from the police.
Also around 9 A.M. that morning the jewellers had been robbed, a pensioner assaulted and robbed of her purse,(all unsolved) and just before I left home around 1:30 I heard on the radio that a boy had to be rescued from a local pond after falling in and was only saved by a passerby after the local police and fire service had refused to go in and save the drowning lad for reasons of health and safety’.
o.k. What did he say to you?
‘He asked me what I was doing. I told him yama dori’.
What was his response?
‘He told me not to threaten him and asked me my name, how old I was, where did I live’? he also asked me to repeat what I had said, so I pointed at my bag and repeated over and over yama dori, yama dori.
I also pointed with my small handled spade over his shoulder and said ‘over there’. You see my house over looks this fly tipping site. If he had have turned around he would have seen where the spade was pointing; not at him, but my house.
Then what happened?
‘He called the police saying I had threatened him with a weapon, that I had a suspicious bulging holdall and was speaking with an eastern accent’.
And was you?
‘No, not unless the Japanese term for collecting trees from the wild is counted as me speaking in tongues’.
So then the police arrived, what happened next?
‘They shouted through a hailer, put down your weapon, and to show my hands’. I did as they ordered and then they asked me what was in the bag?’
And you told them?
‘ yes, I said apart from a small Ulmus procera I said I also had another sharp spade, shears, crowbar, damp newspaper, black bin liners, collapsible saw, sharp knife and gaffer or similar strong tape.’ They asked me to repeat it and I said’ Ulmus procera , Ulmus procera , Ulmus procera, Ulmus procera ‘. At the top of my voice. I think they had trouble hearing because of the police helicopter overhead.
And then?
‘It was all silent for about 1 or 2 minutes at the most apart from the helicopter above and then the armed police arrived’. The helicopter above was drowning out most of what I was being told to do. They told me to lie on the ground away from my tree collecting bag and not to move’. They approached with great caution with guns pointing at me, and then stepping on my neck hand cuffed me. They then searched my house and dug up my garden and drafted in what looked like 3 billion army and sea cadets to search and dig up the fly tipping waste land from where I tried to rescued the poor broken tree stump and here I am 12 months later’
The case continues with cross examination by Hazel Forrest - Willow Q.C.
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Hazel Forrest - Willow Q.C. :
Mr Acorn, do you really expect this court to believe that you were only practicing an art when caught in the act of – digging up – as you put it, a tree?
‘Yes I do, and it was a broken tree stump not a tree’.
Although you had in your possession, a spade, a knife, a saw, strong tape for binding and plastic bin liners?
Come, come Mr Acorn, you had in your possession the perfect murder kit of any psychopath and the tools for the disposal of your victim?
‘I can see where you coming from I suppose, but as you say, it could be the “murder kit” of a demented lunatic if I was one, which I am not. I could accuse you of being something similar’.
How’s that?
Well you have a cluster of very sharp and dangerous tools in your possession that you want this court to believe are writing implements, You are dressed in disguise with a wig and black sinister looking gown and all to hide your real identity and those jumbo bulldog clips look very nasty to me and if applied to certain areas of the person would be simply torture, I’m sure. And all this before I even search your office and your home and your garden’.
But I am in a court room Mr Acorn, my place of work and with– as you say - “tools” that I need for my work.
‘Indeed you are madam, and so were I, but in my case it is a beautiful hobby not work. A hobby that keeps me alive, gives me the will to live and it also gives the stump a chance of survival too.
Ok, let’s move on. What about these incantations, this mystical language you spoke on the day your arrest?
‘What about it’.
I put it to you that you were summoning up some kind of demon god (or you believe you could) with your dark mystical mantra. Did you not tell the arresting officers that your FUTO-MIKI goddess was Bisu?
Not at all, I was trying to remember the Japanese terms for this art. I was trying to take my mind off this very costly taxpaying debacle. And the incantation/ mantra you alleged I was saying were the names of trees and the name for collecting trees from nature’.
And where exactly, do these names come from, where indeed did you learn them?
‘I am told they come from Japan and that they are Japanese words and or phrases/terms’.
And by who were you taught these mystical words?
‘ Stymiedon, and they are not mystical words’.
And is that a paleontological term Mr Acorn? Are you now telling us that some old fossil speaks to you from the ancient past?
‘That, I confess, is debatable and I admit the name does sound rather dinosaur-like, but from what I believe this is the name’.
And this is your god is it?
‘That too is also debatable, in that Stymiedon could well believe he is a god’.
I will put it to you Mr Acorn that you, with intent, attempted to abduct, torture, and then sacrifice this broken tree stump to your god Stymiedon and the goddess Bisu and then secretly cut it up and dispose of its remains in the ground as if it had never existed.
The crown rests M’laud
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The Judge the Rt Hon. Lady Justice Laurel Acacia – Aspen – Bay Cherry dismissed the case stating the prosecution had not proven the charge and that she totally agrees with the accused Mr Acorn when he told prosecuting barrister Hazel Forrest - Willow Q.C.;
“ madam you are, talking out of your ARA-ISO and complete BENI-SHITAN”.
This spoof court case was inspired by a quote from stymie;
stymie wrote:
The law may be an ass but it's still the law. 
On this thread;
Anyone forage for young tree saplings in the countryside?
viewtopic.php?f=5&t=12386
A special thanks to stymiedon for allowing me to plagiarise words and terms of phrase from his hard work - The ABC's of Bonsai here>
viewforum.php?f=11
Would I do a thing like that I ask you? I uphold bonsai lore, albeit jurassic.
very good. thought of that other thread straight away
